Confessions
by Eileen Blazer
Summary: A quiet moment between Chak and the cap'n. Set just after Caretaker


Confessions   
  
J&C, mostly friendship   
Disclaimer: As always, I don't own anything Star Trek, or else   
things would be different. As it is, I am just a poor student who   
neglects her homework to write fanfiction. TPTB, please don't sue.   
  
Summary:The first in my Quiet Moment Sereis, woven in and   
around the episodes. This one finds the captain and commander   
talking. I'm assuming that they have already talked about the whole  
following Starfleet orders and stuff, so they're just two people   
who are learning to work together.   
  
  
Captain's personal logs, stardate *******   
It has finally ended. Or has it just begun? The array has been  
destroyed by my orders, our battle with the kazon has ended, and   
we have all been reminded of the heavy price that sometimes comes   
doing the right thing. While the Ocompans have had their safety   
assured, my people and the Maquis are just beginning to realize   
the dangers that we are now facing. The ship has sustained heavy  
damages and there is no base at which we can dock while repairs are made. Our homes are an estimated 70,000 light-years away from our  
current position. That means it could take up to seventy years to  
get back to the alpha quadrant. Our problems are not all external,  
there is also the slow burning crisis involving the two crews.   
  
I am not willing to confine the Maquis who saved our lives to   
the brig for this very long journey. So I have asked their leader, Chakotay, to serve as my first officer (a decision even Tuvok supported). His people will also be integrated into this team. It  
will remain a Starfleet vessel and we will follow the rules.   
On a more personal level, I have decided to not let my own emotions affect crew morale. Very few people on board know that I am engaged  
to Mark or how much I love my dogs. Therefore there is no need for anyone to see how deeply I miss them. As for the losses to my   
crew, I shall recover. Commander Cavit and the doctor were the   
only members of my senior crew lost and while it hurts to think   
they are gone, I can honestly say that there was nothing I could have done to save them.   
Tuvok, my old friend is back. That is a comfort. And meeting this Chakotay person was...interesting. I found him to be rational, calm, and a good leader. I respect that.   
There was something else I sensed, a feeling of some sort. A shock is the best description, I guess. But whether it was from our touch or an effect of the attack, I don't know.   
Only time will tell, and as things stand right now, we've all got plenty of time.   
  
  
  
Janeway snapped her head up as she heard a rustling near the mess hall entrance. "Whose there?" Slowly, Chakotay appeared, a look of exhaustion on his face.   
"Captain," he nodded, taking a seat at the table next to hers. She studied him for a minute, deciding whether or not to talk. Would he   
want to listen to her or was it best to leave him alone, to let him grieve, get angry and just live out whatever he was feeling. Finally  
she decided.   
"Commander? It's rather late to be awake, don't you think? I hope I didn't wake you when I got up." She focused her eyes on the cup in  
her hand, preparing herself for a rant about how she didn't know him   
and shouldn't pretend to.   
"No, you didn't wake me. I wasn't sleeping." His voice was cool, detached, but held none of the anger she had expected. Encouraged, she continued.   
"Oh, good. It's nice to have another insomniac in the room next to you. Cavit used to issue formal complaints about my waking  
him in the night. Seems those walls were too thin to keep out the rustling of my blankets." She smiled faintly and saw a glint of  
something- humor?- in his eyes.   
"Formal complaints? It seems like he'd have to practice that, hearing blankets moving while asleep." Chakotay reached out and caught an apple she tossed in his direction. "What's this for?"   
Taking a bite of her own, Kathryn told him, "A home remedy for insomnia. Or so my mother claims." She twirled it by the stem,"As soon as the ship is repaired, I'll give you and the other Maquis all of this months rations. I realize you have no possessionsand some replicated objects aren't going to make this ship feel any more like home but right now...it's the best I can do."   
"Thank you. It will help." He was watching her now, his chair moved slightly so he was facing her. "But won't your crew want their   
rations?"   
She shrugged. Might as well be frank. "Yes. And it'll cause some resentment. But resentment is already there and you need to be ready   
for it. My crew has their pictures and notes and giftsto help them   
cope. The rations are all yours, at least for the month. After that, they'll be divided equally to all crewmembers."   
A silence fell upon them. It was more comfortable than talking and both were hesitant to speak again. Chakotay fingered his comm badge, and decided to break the quiet spell.   
"I never asked you, were you close to the commander? Don't answer if you don't want to."   
"I won't. But no, Cavit and I had an efficient professional relationship that didn't extend past the on duty hours. He was a good officer, though. What about you? Did you lose anyone?"   
"Yes, but no one I was particularly attached to. We don't usually get close in the Maquis. Living day to day means you never know if the person sitting next to you will be there tomorrow. And too often, they aren't." A sadness had crept into his voice and Janeway suddenly   
had to resist the urge of hugging him.   
She took a deep breath. "But you're close to the Klingon and Bajoran aren't you?" The two Maquis woman had stood out in her mind.   
The klingon had a fiery temper but there was a certain goodness that Janeway could feel. The Bajoran woman had a cleverness that reminded  
the captain of a fox, cunning and almost deceptive.   
The commander looked away and Janeway considered that maybe she'd pushed too far. After all, who was she to be prying into his personal life?   
"I suppose." He answered, relieving the captain. "B'lanna came to the Maquis confused. I don't think she belonged with us but fate placed  
her in my hands and I decided I would take care of her until she found her own way." He became suddenly shy, wondering why he was telling Janeway things so important to him. Nevertheless, he went on "Seska is another story completely. She was there before me and at first I used her as a source of...energy I guess. She was always there to   
remind me why I hated the Cardassians so much. We...we were lovers  
for a while. But I realized that she wasn't just feeding my energy,  
she was creating my anger. And I broke it off. It's been a while but  
she doesn't seem to get the message."   
Janeway nodded, considering his confessions. They were something like secrets, she knew. It was like a peace offering, a chance to form a relationship based on something other than betrayal and distrust. And it was her turn.   
"If it's any consolation, which I doubt it will be, living within the Federation hasn't exactly given me wonderful blossoming relationships." She glanced up once to see him staring at her intently."I was...am...engaged. His name is Mark. We grew up together. It's true what they say, about your life flashing before your eyes. When our ship was thrown, I saw it all and I saw the lie I didn't even know I was telling, about my personal life. See, Mark's perfect for me, or so it seemed until twenty four hours ago. He didn't mind if I spent   
months away from him, or if I canceled a date because Starfleet wanted me to meet some ambassador. He didn't even blink twice when I   
explained that I couldn't put on my engagement ring because of  
regulations. And he had just proposed seconds before...So, we were both too engrossed with work to notice any problems, too close friends   
to care. Just like a fairy tale, right?" She blushed as she realized she was telling a stranger the most intimate details of her heart. Not even Tuvok knew about the lack of love in her relationship. And maybe not even Mark.   
But the man a table away, the Starfleet traitor she was sent to arrest, knew and understood. He almost smiled. "Well, I can offer you my philosophy, though I doubt that will help. I think that relationships are like mirrors. Each one reflects a different part of yourself. And they allow you to learn something about yourself, regardless if  
that something is good or bad." Janeway pondered his words, before chuckling.   
"You excelled in Starfleet. Your successful missions against Starfleet and the Cardassians have made you one of Starfleets most wanted criminals. You've proven yourself an able mediator. And to top it off, you a philosopher. What don't you do?" Chakotay finally smiled,  
a look that made Janeway acknowledge his gifts were not all internal.   
"My mother once told me that I was a horrible judge of character."   
"Mind if I ask what you thought of me?"   
"That you were a cold hearted, starfleet pawn with no mind other than the one they programmed you with."   
She raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to the side. "Am I really that bad?" He just grinned, a act she was learning to like.   
"Well, as it turns out, my mother was right."   
She let out a breath. That was the most honest conversation she had ever had. They had each made themselves vulnerable, and in doing so, established a trust. Now, they both sensed that the talk was over. Standing up, he offered his arm. "I think that apple did the   
trick. I'm actually ready to sleep. Can I escort you back to your quarters?"   
Not speaking, she accepted his arm and together they left the mess hall.   
Janeway knew the talk hadn't changed the world. Tomorrow there would still be awkward situations and harsh feelings. It wouldn't be any easier to know they might never get back home, and Chakotay wasn't any more ready to be her first officer than she was to have him.   
But their tete-a`-tete had changed somethings. Ready or not, they would face it all side by side.   
  
Earlier that day, they had officially joined forces. But this night, in the deserted mess hall, they became a team. 


End file.
